Perfect * Imperfection

This is what I’m faced with.

I’ve never been in a situation where my bf has been such good friends with his ex.
Are we in agreement that this would be an anxiety-fuelled area for any spouse?

Anyway in my head it seems I’m just waiting to be left again. Perfect opportunity too right?

My recent dream, recurring for 3 nights now has divulged a stage production of what my mind anticipates.
A random house…he goes to visit, they get talking, reminisce; a chance to rekindle?
And then one thing leads To another and I’ve been forgotten about.
All the love goes onto the other person, interests shift. Suddenly I’m not that “perfect boyfriend” I’m told I am, that’s him now.

I’m so scared. Why wouldn’t it happen?
They’ve been there and done it before…why should I get in the way?
I don’t think I would, I be pushed to the back of his mind because I think he’d be interested more in the better things he’s discovered in his realisation. Discovered that he’s better, he’s the one he wants to love, he’s the better option :(

I bet I’d apologise to him aswell. I’d say I’m sorry for not being enough.

At the end of the day, it’s all to do with me and my mind.

But I’m waiting; anticipating.

Christmas

I remember last year around this time I was really down.
Do you ever think at a point, where will I be in one year on this day?
You can think about that with days like Christmas, New Years and birthdays!
Last Christmas I was at home until 5pm, waiting for my housemate to finish work. Got to my dads and I opened my presents on my own, everyone had already opened theirs.
I remember thinking, next year?
I remember dreading having the same feeling I had last year and thinking, what will next year be like?

And so here I am. 21.12.12.

The day the world was supposed to end(!)
I could never have imagined being here. Last year I was on the edge, about ready to “get out”!
When I imagined the future, a notion of loneliness and sadness intruded. I couldn’t even begin to imagine the now.
I have met a guy. The most gorgeous guy that ever lived. And now he’s my life. My entire world. I love him more than life itself. In just a few months, It’s all changed.

• The long awaited “us” has become a reality, instead of me, my, I.

• I have a new home, a place I respect and appreciate wholly.

• Happiness. Need I say more?

• Hope. Someone I spoke to recently said “there is light at the end of the tunnel.”

Christmas with my family. My new family. I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to smile.

:)

I’m so low.

I sat there on my own feeling sorry for myself. I can’t control my anger, frustration or sadness.
I can’t make the distinction between stopping and continuing, because I shut down and let my mind express to the outsiders everything that is overflowing, that can no longer be contained.
I am fighting it, or I am trying at least!
I’m struggling for support, I know I do things wrong, and I hope that I show the sincerest remorse for those. But when I do someone wrong, I’m judged and lose my only support.
I’ve accepted I’ve got issues and that I need help. Why can’t everyone else accept this? Accept this and help me? Why do people think it necessary to fight against me until I’m in tears?
I feel that I’m being told where I’m going wrong more than where I’m doing well. But I’m being told that I’m going wrong and that’s it. No support. No solution. It’s just “you’re argumentative” and that’s it, not “you’re argumentative and I understand that you’ve had stuff going on and that you’re seeking help for those things”.
No one even seems to try and understand.
And it takes until I break the skin for people to realise, I’m not actually trying piss people off or whatever, but I actually have real problems. And suddenly, when the tears stream down my face, only then do people take into consideration that I am actively seeking help. Desperately seeking help. And that I’m crying out to anyone who might even show be a hint of understanding because right now, I have nowhere to turn.

A notion of confusion

I don’t understand why I have so many crap things happen to me. I feel so worthless, hated and not enough.
I manage to screw everything up and one point, it’s always just a matter of time.
:( I’m such an unhappy mind. Trapped in a problem ridden body. I hate myself. I hate who I am. I hate the way I think.
I hate me.
Please someone tell me why I am still here? I’m pathetic.

Recently thinking…

About friends and stuff! Not really spoken to anyone in a while…and I feel bad! But no one has spoken to me :-(
Should I feel bad? :-(

Been a while.

About a month in fact.
What’s been happening with me?
Well I’m all loved up still! A month and I’ve probably spent about 7 nights at home :p
Loving it.
Things have changed though. With the help of the boyfriend, I sought some proper help with my depression. Can’t believe it took me to take someone else for me to get help! Instead of fucking talking and cbt :-/
Anyway! Citalopram!! WUHOO!
Feeling so ill being on these :p